Looking toward tomorrow

It's not always the easiest thing in the world to do what is right, but I think I try hard and I'm usually successful. I have my challenges, just like everyone else, but I rarely go to bed at night feeling that I didn't do the best I could to make someone's life better or at least happy. I have learned to keep my mouth shut when I would rather be critical and I have learned to be accepting of others and their lifestyles. People who know me best know that there are some practices or behaviors in which people engage that I don't approve of, but I try not to judge them because I am far from lily-white and I don't want others judging me.

I believe in God and in His goodness and mercy. I believe that He has my life planned out for me, and that all He wants is for me to participate in His plan. I believe that God has called me to do good and that I should always be looking to offer life and hope to those who need that proverbial kind word or look or touch. When I find out that someone is pregnant, I make a baby blanket. When someone dies, I make food. When my daughter calls out to me in pain ~ whether physical or emotional, such as when she misses her boyfriend more than usual ~ I hold her close and remind her that I love her and that she is never completely alone. When my husband feels low or struggles to walk about or get up from a chair, I stand by and offer my arm or my ear, or especially my heart. I have great peace in my faith and I am blessed.

And yet, tonight my heart is heavy with worry and fear. I feel alone even though I am most certainly NOT alone. My job is about to be decided upon by a school board of people who are faced with having to cut $50,000 from an already lean budget, and my principal has deigned that if there are to be positions cut, mine should be it. I used to have a great deal of respect for this woman, but that respect has dwindled steadily since September. I feel that I have been set up to fail and I believe that no matter what I did this year as a teacher, there was nothing I could do right or well. I have had no positive feedback at all this year; any feedback I have received has been negative. I have been questioned about my lessons and the rationale behind them, and have not received the help I have asked for all year.

With the aftershock of the sinful and evil economic practices of the Bush Administration, our current economy is a shambles and people like me are suffering. I'm not the only one who will lose a job this year, and heartbreakingly, I will not be the last. There is no doubt in my mind or my heart that we will be taken care of and we will prevail in the end. God has us in the palm of His hand, and He is not about to abandon us. Nothing can change my mind about that. I am, however, human, and I cannot help but be worried and hurt. I have been in a toxic situation for some time, and for me to want to continue in that environment is ludicrous. Yet, it seems preferable to me over being unemployed again. I do not wish ill on anyone involved at the school, but I remain hurt and even bitter over the way the year has progressed.

When I look at the picture I posted above, I am reminded that there is a real, loving, vibrant world that I have yet to fuilly experience. I hope that the pain and angst will be worth it all.